why the hell can't blogger just leave my formatting alone?!?!?!

Apparently, one of the ways my obsessive-compulsive tendencies make themselves known is in formatting. I want my stuff to appear the way i intend it to appear, the way i slaved over making it (for some reason i like to compose my book thoughts in the same font, or a close proximity to, as the font the book was published in {yes, i know this is strange}, i'm one of those people that actually reads the little publishing note about the typeset {and i'm annoyed if a book doesn't have one}.)

I remember when i was young (high school and college), back in the early days of word-processing that it would take me a few hours to write a paper and then something like thirteen hours to format the damn thing (and that wasn't even due to my pickiness, it had to do with the fact that the programming wasn't set up to format the page for you so you had to set each margin, line break, page break, etc. yourself just so you could meet your teacher's expectations.

Now, it seems, i take that long re-formating my blog posts (usually in HTML) just so that it appears the way i originally intended, because blogger seems to think it knows better than me and inserts new line breaks, fonts, colors, etc.

Why can't it just trust that i know what i'm doing (even if i do type all my "i"s in lower case, and otherwise knowingly disobey rules, and even if what i have decided upon is a little hard to read). And god forbid i decide to add a word or something after i finally get the formatting right in its published form because then the process has to start all over again!

I think, since i am probably the only one reading this, that my opinion and vision should take the highest priority!

we all have different priorities

My dad is under the mistaken impression that i could have bought a house with the money i have spent on earrings over the years. Every time he and my stepmother come to visit me i see them shaking their heads and issuing a silent "tut-tut" at the collection of earrings i have hanging on my wall.

First of all, this collection has been amassed over thirty-some-odd years, and it isn't like i spent inordinate amounts of money on the things (i couldn't afford to~both because i never have inordinate amounts of money available to me and also because i'm always loosing earrings.)

Losing earrings has somehow been one of the biggest, oft-occurring tragedies of my life. I buy earrings because i like something about whatever pair it is, its uniqueness, it's catitude, or whatever. Often the ones i own are irreplaceable (not because of their monetary worth, but because of their availability.) One lost earring is usually not that big of a tragedy because i seldom wear matching earrings (i figure different earrings in each available hole offers more display room and, along with my black toenails, is one of my signatures.) The main problem comes when i loose my only remaining earring or the pair happens to offer two different "perspectives" (the same image only mirrored, one earring has the western hemisphere and one the eastern, or, one of my favorite pairs "IN ONE EAR" and "OUT THE OTHER".) Occasionally i will catch an image of myself in the mirror and wonder how i ended up with matching earrings.

Because i have such a tendancy to loose these precious baubles i am always paranoid of vacuming my living room floor or sweeping my bedroom floor for fear of loosing them eternally. If i do either of these dreaded activities (not that i'm dying to anyway) i search through the debris for any strays and have admonished my mother to do the same...

and you have a right to tell me how to feel...exactly why?

Quite sometime ago i had jotted down my thoughts about The Girls Who Went Away and then posted them to my annotations/review on goodreads as well. Last year a perfect stranger with the user name Erin had then commented on my thoughts/feelings which boiled my blood a little every time i saw it but kept deciding there was no point to even trying a response.

I wasn't sure about your point of view until the very end of your review. Being pregnant and having a child changes people. There is no way to explain it, and no way to create that change but to have a child. You will never understand the desperate love until you have a child.

~Erin (whoever that is...)

Yesterday, for some reason, i finally decided i had to respond, for whatever it was worth:

• I'm sorry that you had to slog through my ENTIRE review to understand my feelings (you could have stopped reading--and there were three people who admitted to liking it!)
  
• I never claimed to be inside my mother's head and know what she felt or thought, but YOU were not inside her head either, and even though some feelings are SOMEWHAT universal that does not mean she was as connected or felt the same way you do.
  
• You have no idea where i am in terms of motherhood so you can't tell ME how to feel about it or what to understand (one of the reasons i can't relate to what my mother went through is because of some of those same feelings you describe...)
  
• She never has sought me out so it seems she might not have cared to.
  
• This is about MY feelings, my issues and thoughts about something i have had to deal with my whole life.
  
• It is also about my not caring about hers and you can't tell me that i must care!

little ways to annoy me

1. snowing on my car (which is in my carport, after all)
2. refusing to let me into your lane even though there is room for you to either speed up OR slow down (i mean how much harm does it really cause you?)
3. make a right turn from the left lane or a right turn from the left lane (when both are clearly marked.)
4. riding my bumper and when i move forward to allow you space getting back on it (if you're going to ride my ass, at least pull my hair...) Were you not in Driver's Ed the day they discussed the amount of car lengths you were to allow between you and the car in front of you? I might just allow my car to roll backwards...
5. running your red light causing me to slam on my brakes in my green light
6. honking at me once you've decided i need to turn into traffic (i know how fast my car moves as well as its capabilities, and it is my decision to make how reckless i want to be at any given moment...) or if i don't advance on the green light the millisecond it changes (i once had a friend pulled over and ticketed for just such an action~the officer told him the horn was only to be used for emergencies and that didn't quite qualify.) In fact honking at me at all (except in an afore mentioned emergency when my course of action might kill me or you (or our respective cars) might just annoy me to the point where keeping you from your destination becomes my greatest mission in life (can we say road rage?)
7. honking (those quick little beeps to let someone know you're just driving by their house or those long annoying ones to let your roommates know you've just arrived home, or those long annoying ones to tell someone to come out to the car, perhaps after ten minutes or so of repeated honking you might want to go inside to see what's keeping them) next door to my own house especially when i am critically migraining in my living room. And honking your horn repeatedly outside a public library to tell someone inside the library to come out is completely unacceptable (do you get the idea i am not overly fond of horns? I am also no hypocrite, i never use mine {except in emergency situations of course...})
8. asking me what i did to my (slinged) arm. I have no idea (my collar became mysteriously fractured {though the doc did suggest it was my multiple personality acting up}), i have a nerve infection, and possibly something else which requires a very expensive MRI.) Not that you would know that but i am wearying of the entire fiasco...)
9. and yes it hurts
10. telling me to smile, i will smile when i damn feel like it, don't tell me what to do (this is especially annoying when you add "life's not that bad," you have no idea what is going on in my life; maybe it IS that bad.)
11. trying to provoke a smile (you also have no idea how stubborn and oppositional i really am, the more you push the less i give.)
12. friends asking me how i am (not so much because i am so often terrible but because i feel almost guilty telling you that, yet again, and like i'm trying to elicit sympathy~i really don't love to complain even though i am so very good at it...)
13. not looking at me when i am using my finger to point you in the direction of the location you asked me for and heading off in the complete opposite direction when you do look (i once had to tell a woman quite slowly and explicitly to "look in the direction i'm pointing"the fifth time she asked me and then walk over there as she wondered past it.)
14. in general, not listening to the answer to your question as i give it to you either by asking the question and then wandering away from the desk (or answering your cell phone before you give me the chance to answer), or interrupting me to ask the question i am in the process of answering, or letting your mind obviously wander even if the answer is very short, or just not listening to me at all, did you really need to know the answer? By about the third repetition becomes incredibly difficult to control my words, voice, and tone.)
15. not even asking a question but rather standing in front of the desk smiling at me when i ask you if i can help you (and yes isn't a question in and of itself, i need more information if i am to actually help you~i am not a mind reader.)
16. asking another staff member the same question you just asked me simply because you didn't like me (often times you ask a third or fourth staff member because you keep getting the same answer from each one.) And i have to suppress a smile when the second staff member sends you back to me because they don't know the answer or because i am the one in charge.)
17. Teens telling me to "just relax" because they are doing what i just asked/told them to do and they are showing no evidence of doing so.
18. i can't relax because they are not relaxing me
19. and when you ask me why i am so annoyed it is because you are so annoying (but i do love it when you are so totally misbehaving, disruptive and disturbing to other patrons that i finally get to ban you from the library and have the police come ticket you for trespassing during the proscribed period of time.)
20. using the phrase "excuse me" just BEFORE you do something extremely rude (as if it really does excuse you.) This former form of manners has just become another irritation.
21. stupidity/ignorance, in general is not that annoying (most of the time...) but complete unwillingness to learn is (especially if you are just using it as a reason to get me to do everything for you.)
22. constantly disconnect me from the internet, causing me to buy a new router which might not even solve the problem.
23. my mom asking me if i am speaking clearly into the telephone as if i were some kind of idiot who doesn't know how to use a telephone (and if i didn't wouldn't it have been my mother's responsibility to teach me long, long ago?) Please, just tell me that you can't hear me or that i am breaking up and i will take the appropriate action. (and while we're on the subject while it doesn't annoy me but quite amuses me when my one and only sister leaves me a message and feels the need to add "your sister" to her greeting of it's me, as if i wouldn't recognize her voice.)

because i am so prone to bandwagon jumping

(even if i'd like to hope i'm not, proud non-conformist that i am)and i seem to have developed a facebook addiction I’ll post my 25 random things about me list here (and yes, Tim, i know that they are not really random but that is what they are calling it and this is a band wagon thing…:) I'm sure i've mentioned at least a few of these before...

1. I’m a raging insomniac (technically, delayed sleep phase syndrome) and often times, after midnight, very ill-advised ideas seem like very good ideas.
2. Although i have never felt a desire for children, if it weren’t for my nephews and niece i might have felt compelled to have them.


3. Even though my sister is twelve years younger than I, from her early childhood i always knew she would get married and have children before i did.
4. My cats ARE my children and i am as committed to them as i would be to my actual offspring.

5. Although three cats are definitely enough, lately i have felt an irresistible urge to add a dog to the mix.

6. Although i have made many a stupid mistake in my lifetime i don’t regret a single one (they have made me who i am today and i am pretty okay with that person.)

7. Although i would give almost anything to be without these damn migraines i am
   very grateful for all they have taught me about myself.

8. I am addicted to popcorn (and cheese—meat is not such a big sacrifice but i could never give up cheese.)

9. When i was small and went grocery shopping with my father i somehow got the idea that the beer he bought smelled like rice pudding and was so disappointed to discover it tasted absolutely nothing like rice pudding.

10. My favorite kind of beer is Pyramid Apricot Weizen even though i am not that found of apricots (too many memories of being forced to pick up the mushy rotten ones from our back lawn as a child.)

11. I always wanted to be an academic librarian and the thought of being a public librarian was at the very bottom of my list (never was a big fan of the public.) Now that i am a public librarian i can’t really imagine being anything else.

12. I love reading and even though i own probably more books than i could ever read i somehow keep acquiring more (a bitch to move across country—and my list of books to read is even larger than that.)

13. I remain friends with almost all my exes.

14. I could not survive without sarcasm.

15. I am NOT shy, people that know me are more than aware of this; people that don’t rarely believe me when i tell them so.

16. I see a neurologist at least once a month and she is constantly switching up my meds (I also see a second neurologist every three months for my sleep disorder.)

17. I am a mass of contradictions.

18. I am very rational and logical but my passion seems to rule my life (and that little voice in my head is not so much one of morality but rather constantly telling my how irrational my actions are.)

19. It took me forever to like sci-fi because when i was little my dad used to come home from work, drag me downstairs, switch on star trek, and not allow me to talk to him except during commercials (he wanted to spend time with me~and such quality time it was…)

20. Now i love Star Trek (original and TNG~Gina, you got me hooked on this...)

21. I can’t stand squash (any kind—even zucchini). Never have, never will (again, childhood memories which i shan’t get into here.)

22. I love New Year’s Eve but haven’t celebrated it for years.

23. When i was younger i used to think most people thought like me, the older i get the more i realize that i am so much more liberal than most of the population.

24. People who think they know everything are rather annoying to those of us who actually do (see number 14, and i actually think agnosticism is the only way to go.)

25. When i was a child in Alaska i believed you plugged in you cars overnight to make them go the next day (instead of to keep the engine from freezing—don’t know why i never noticed my parents didn’t plug them in during the summer—perhaps because summers were so short?

why won't those damn librarians just retire already?

Of late there has been a bit of a firestorm brewing on publib about how old librarians won’t retire to make room for the new.

here’s the email that started it off:

Just to chime in here...

There have been quite a few postings for jobs here in Michigan, some requiring to no experience, but I have yet to get my degree so they won't interview me at all.

From what I read, I got the impression that this "librarian shortage" or "job increase" was not due to demand, but to the retirement of a lot of librarians. At least here where I am, a lot of librarians are very old and ready to retire, even the University ones. The new
reference librarian at MSU just graduated last year, so they want to hire new people. Especially with the old librarians and technology? Oh God, do they want new people!

The universities are having the students teach old librarians up here.

I agree with the economy issue. The failing economy, the recession, social security and all that, are making retirees nervous. I'm thinking that the reason we aren't seeing jobs as much, is due to a lot of people working longer than they should because they're worried they won't have enough money. At least, that's what's I'm hearing from the older
librarians.

This problem could go away soon, could not. I'm considering a possible overseas move, librarians are in demand elsewhere in the world... drastic though it be.

yes, it is a bit incendiary, and it really makes you wonder what is considered old. I thought a couple of things:

• First of all the poster hasn’t even started looking for a job yet, are things really as dire as she believes (i got my first job, my first interview, directly out of grad school, in the city i was living~and I know it all depends on the time you are looking but my system still has openings…)?

• Perhaps she has unrealistic expectations of income in this profession (i remember when i was applying to grad school and discovered the little bit of info that librarianship is the lowest paying profession for the level of education it requires~a choice you make when you are deciding what to do with your life~money ratio to job satisfaction desire)

• Perhaps a different career, one that pays more and has more perceived opportunity is in order here (but perhaps attitude is a factor?)

• Why should someone be forced into retirement simply because they are of a certain age, especially if they still enjoy what they do?

• Librarianship is a second career for many people (maybe because they need the income?) so the average age at entry is older to begin with...

• Sure some older librarians are not up on the new technology (just as many younger ones aren’t) but many are (and many of them are more adaptable than the rest of us having gone through many drastic changes in the profession in the working life~not to mention that this is one profession to quickly take on the new technology) .

• It is true that people are not making enough money to save enough, should we force them to live on less than they can simply to make room for the younger whipper-snappers?

• Some of us (even not so old) librarians have extreme medical costs (or other life-circumstances) which require us to retain that job for the health insurance.

• Will she feel the same when she comes of age and somewhat younger, stronger, leaner, more learned, more sure of her own abilities wants her job (and your perception of age does change relative to your own age)?

• There is something to be said for experience!

These are all my own assumptions and presumptions of course...

late, lost, ailing, & pissed off

I know i've mentioned that i'm ill (very, very ill, thank you so much for asking~like wishing-i-were-not-alive ill) this week, but have i mentioned that i'm on vacation? Not that i had much planned other than trying to catch up on much needed housework (which, perhaps needless to say i haven't been able to do...) but still...

Anyway, it was so very convenient of me to schedule my vacation just in time for me to be sick (and more than one person has mentioned to me that i could actually take sick time instead of vacation time, which i could, but i with my little rampaging migrainey head, unlike most, have much more vacation time than sick time so it is all for nought...)

And, vacation or no, i was scheduled for a Readers' Advisory training this early morning, teaching one of my Chronic Conditions classes later this morning, and for the government employee sexual harassment/ethical training in the afternoon; there was just no other time to do it. So, this non-morning person drags herself out of her sick/death bed early in the morning to get into her borrowed truck (oh, i didn't mention that my car is in the shop getting its air conditioning, of all things, fixed, now did i? Well it is. The air broke sometime back in July or so and when i heard it was going to cost about $1000 (because the coils had crashed and melted or some such thing) of which i didn't have i decided not to fix it but then last week it started making this horrible whining noise and apparently the car no go without air conditioning so just in time for the cooler weather i get to get it fixed...) As i have mentioned before, i am no fan of driving, and this morning i was turning east right into the sunrise, at a height and an angle where i was unable to see a damn thing. I was rolling down the window in an attempt to see the oncoming traffic when the person behind me honks.

Honking horns are one of my biggest pet peeves in life. I once had a friend who was ticketed because he honked his horn at someone because they did not move quickly enough at a red light. The police officer told him that horns were only to be used in cases of extreme emergency. This is how i feel about horns, and if you honk at me often my biggest priority in life becomes preventing you from getting where you need to be, so think before you honk at that redhead in front of you. But this morning i was frustrated and couldn't see. For some reason i put some faith in the person behinds me and decided that if they were honking at me the way must be clear and i went barreling out into traffic. The way was not clear and i hear screeching tires and more honking horns as i bring traffic to a halt in both directions. I somehow avoided collision (though i realized that if there had been an accident that car behind me would be late to where ever they were going because they would need to fill out witness forms and the like so there would be some good done there.)

Anyhow, as i continue to drive east into the blinding sun, my migraine continues to build and i end up taking the wrong exit to library headquarters which i have, of course, been to many a time. I get lost and wandering some circuitous course through rambling neighboring streets getting ever later to my training. I finally pull into what i hope is an entrance to a parking lot (still being unable to see) go crashing over a few islands, am now twenty minutes late and with a raging headache and finally decide that it is time to call it a wash, turn around and go back home.

I make it to my class without incident.

But then when i try to go to my ethics training there is some kind of Health Fair going on at the government center (i would comment on the irony, but i am in no mood). I drive around and around and around the parking lot looking for parking but to no avail. When i finally find i spot and run to class i have been locked out. Of course when i walk back out to my car there is parking everywhere.

It is back to bed for me...

feline philosophy from across the pond

Vicky Halls is a veterinary nurse who currently works in Canterbury, Kent, United Kingdom as a “cat behaviour consellor” (that U.K. bit is important because there are some fundamental differences in U.K. thinking on what is best for our little feline friends and U.S. thinking). Being a cat behavior consellor apparently means that she earns her living by visiting people in their homes, drinking tea from their cat mugs and listening to their stories about their cats.” She never gets bored (her words). I’m not sure how helpful any of this is to the North American cat owner who picks up Cat Confidential: the book your cat would want you to read with a hope to solve a particular cat problem, it is, however, a rather entertaining and thoughtful book written with some insight.

First off, in case you didn’t know, two major difference between British and American views on house cats:

1. In the U.K. declawing is illegal so you will not find any discussion of it here~pros OR cons (not that that’s a bad thing~i believe it’s a rather inhumane thing to do myself, but it does bear mentioning)

2. more importantly, in the U.K. it is considered depriving a cat of one of its most basic needs to not allow it to freely roam outside whereas the A.S.P.C.A and the Humane Society of the United States as well as most U.S. vets agree that not only are cats much safer as purely “indoor” creatures but that they can live a very happy satisfied life if kept inside (given the proper amusement and stimulation). In fact it is mentioned as one of the symptoms of an overly attached (perhaps even bordering on pathological) owner in this book if:

“the cat is kept exclusively indoors or allowed only restricted access to the outdoors under supervision for reasons of ‘safety’. (The owners worry that the cat would be exposed to unacceptable dangers if it were to go outside)”

In the U.S. this would be considered indicative of a responsible cat owner.

Another conceit of this particular author seems to be that often the answer is to remove the cat from the home, which, i am sure, must sometimes be necessary but she seems much quicker to do it than i would be (and have worked out situations in my own home that have seemed more daunting than those she seemed to resort to very extreme measures with…)

The book is divided into chapters which would seem to make seeking help for particular problems easier:

• The New Kitten

• The Scaredy Cat

• The Aggressive Cat

• The Indoor Cat

  • which of course would always seem to result in a “stir crazy” cat who needs some outdoor time

• The Multi-Cat Household

  • which rarely seems to work well (except in the author’s case)

• The Weird Cat

• The Human/Cat Bond

• The Elderly and Disabled Cat

• Coping with Bereavement

Unfortunately many of these “problems” often seem to have similar solutions and they are so anecdotal as to be of little use. I found the last two chapters dealing with elderly cats (which is really just a report on a survey the author did of cat owners) and coping with bereavement to be the most helpful. Halls said she wrote this book mainly to talk about the nine cats she has shared her life with (and each of these is used to introduce a chapter), it is on this level and in Halls’ tone that i find the book succeeds most. (She also is incredibly witty and i love her description of how cats feel about cat doors~but without them, and the constant need for the cat to go outside, doesn’t that leave you at your cat’s beck and call?)

Worth reading but for behavior advise a better bet is probably Nicholas Dodman.

who hates harry?

Not i (tho i don't have a copy of the latest even on hold yet, i do plan on reading it at some point.) I have read the other ones in the series (tho i was i rather late starter~resisted, until about the third one came out, then finally gave in, felt it was ALMOST required reading for a librarian) then, once i did read them i found them rather enjoyable and entertaining, but not a whole lot more than that (i don't believe that Rowling is the greatest living writer, or the

greatest writer of her generation or anything like that~nor is she super, super original, as so many have contended because if you have read other books of the genre you would see the very same themes running through them~tho how many themes are absolutely original, i ask you, Shakespeare's weren't~it's all in how you use them...)

but apparently there are a few who have some pre-conceived notions of we Harry Potter readers, here's a quote from a literary expert named "Petey"

Which is more embarrassing for an adult:

Reading the Harry Potter books, or being willing to admit that you read the Harry Potter books?
I'd choose the latter. If you have ugly proclivities, please have the good sense to hide them away.
I believe pretty much no adult who reads the Harry Potter books reads other novels. Otherwise, why would they be reading Harry Potter books?

i suppose it's all in the social circles you travel (as you can probably tell from this here blog thingee, i don't read much of anything~and as i'm sure you can guess being a somewhat illiterate librarian brings up many issues~okay that IS sarcasm, although the other day, when i had a severe migraine and was trying to decipher the title of a book displayed on the tiny screen of a teen customer's cell phone, and i had to ask her to tell me the title because i couldn't read, i soon realized that i really should have added the word it because she gave me the strangest look...)

seems like Harry brings up some intense feelings (and defensiveness all around)

According to an ongoing poll of nearly 10,000 readers conducted by The Book Report Network. Respondents have included 4,807 children on Kidsreads.com, 3,912 teens on Teenreads.com and 1,206 adults on Bookreporter.com, a clear majority of readers: children (85%), teens (78%) and adults (71%) plan to clear their schedule this weekend to get through Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows "as soon as possible".

On the other hand, many have been extolling the virtues of Harry Potter by saying that it is increasing the reading rates of children and young adults and that after Harry Potter they will move onto other novels while recent statistics just don't bear this out.

¿do i Really want to know?

On December 26 of last year Diane Rehm had Ann Fessler on her show to talk about the book The Girls Who Went Away: The Hidden History of Women Who Surrendered Children for Adoption in the Decades before Roe v. Wade , she also talked to some of the women featured in the book. I was listening to the show a while ago (yes i know, more than a little late there~but i have many podcasts stacked up on my computer and i just listen to them whenever). Actually i think it was the second time i listened to that particular show, and then i decided to read the book even though i knew it would bring up issues for me.

I am an adoptee who really has never had any desire to seek out my birth mother. I used to have a baby book (well i'm sure i still have it~i just don't know where~it used to be on a certain shelf in my mother's bedroom where i could always find it~and then, at some point in my "adult" life she decided to give it to me~silly, silly mom...), a special baby book made just for adoptees, talking about how special and lucky we were to be chosen. I loved that baby book and would seek it out again and again (is that something that everyone does?) not just to look at pictures of myself when i was young, and to read notes from my father of my wonderful progress through infancy and toddlerhood (as well as some of those kindergarten "report cards"~one in which my teacher said i acted like a china doll, as if i was afraid to move for fear i would break~ha, little did she know~after forty years of many broken bones that five-year old self knew more than she could possibly imagine), but also to read that tiny 1/3 of a sheet of information about my birthparents (some ethnic info: German on both sides, Irish on one, French on the other, as i've already mentioned; mother very intelligent and wanting the best for me; father completed college and involved in "some kind" of electrical work~perhaps he was an alien just passing through our solar system on his way to elsewhere~my quirky body chemistry has sometimes led me to suspect as much.) There was also a few pages written by the foster mother who cared for me for the first five weeks of my life~talking about what a wonderful baby i was~i remember poring over those pages, i don't know when it was that i realized those blacked-out portions were the name i was called before i was me. In reading the accounts of these birth-mothers i realized that many of them named their babies before they were surrendered~perhaps i even had two names before the one that currently identifies me~the one that IS me, that seems to be so much a part of everything that i am~that is quite a ponderous thought.

So many of the women in this book talked about how they felt forced or coerced into surrendering their children, that it is not something they wanted to do. I understand that this was a different time period that perhaps i cannot relate to but my personality is such that i would make a choice that i really didn't want to, my mother who IS of this generation never would either. I really am not criticizing these women, but i believe they are, in some ways not taking responsibility for their choices, they DID make a choice, even in allowing others to make choices for them. Do i feel for them? Absolutely, i even cried for them. I also cried for myself. Though i am glad my birthmother gave me "a way" (for a better life~as one of the women said) she also left me with some abandonment and rejection issues, which, through reinforcement with some other life events, have led to trust and commitment issues (which i fully own as mine.) Even if she felt forced into what she did i don't feel there is any place in my life for her (plus there is a fear of a second rejection if i sought her out).

I felt sorry for young women who had no sexual knowledge or education whatsoever, who, often, had their first physical exam as adults be their first prenatal exam by judgemental, paternalistic MDs; who had to live in homes for "deviants and delinquents"; who gave birth alone and afraid with no idea what was going on, then had to try and pretend nothing happened. One woman who had gone through an abortion years after she gave up her baby for adoption said giving up the baby was much more traumatic~knowing that there was a part of you out there, maybe, you didn't know whether it was living or dead, doing well or not~that is why i could never do it. I have no blame for these women, it was terrible to shame them the way they were shamed (as if they "had no right to be a mother")~expecting people not to do something that has always been done and giving them no education or options is no option~societies all over have proven that~restrictions often make the forbidden all that more appealing.

I do not agree with the woman who objects to the term "birth-mother" (also terms such as natural mother, life mother, biological mother, first mother, etc.) as if they weren't a real mother~i don't believe they are, my real mother is the woman who raised me, who mothered me, not the woman who made a mistake, carried me for nine months, and birthed me, though i'm grateful i often have a hard time coming up with a name for her myself (sometimes she is just "that woman"~i'm really not as bitter as i sound). And although i sometimes think i want a medical history (especially given my medical problems~what i don't know and what i do know is one of the many reasons i have chosen not to have my own children) But i have also always had the sense that not knowing gives me the freedom to not be limited by my own genetics, as unreasonable as that is. But why should we expect feelings to be rational.

The book, however, is well worth reading and gives you a glimpse into something that has often remained hidden.

you ask me why i hate you, well i'll try and explain...

Yesterday had actually been going quite well, for a change most of my time at the reference desk was NOT spent alone, and things were going along quite swimmingly~smooth and quiet. My manager was working with me for most of the afternoon instead and then a substitute came in at 5:00, so i was able to get many of my projects done at the desk, like some of the collection development ordering i was behind on, putting the catalogs and professional literature in order, and getting started on begging for donations for our adult summer reading program that i have been neglecting for far too long.

I think i might have been lulled into a false sense of security~my migraine was even surprisingly low key~so i was quite unprepared for what was to come. The night before a rather unassuming old man who i had observed before on our internet computers but had never exchanged words with (i had informed him along with everyone else on the computers at closing time that it was time to finish up and received disgruntled looks from him in exchange), had approached our desk asking us to add extended internet time to his card. My manager looked at the clock (we had about 40 minutes before we closed), looked at the number of people on the internet stations, and rather reluctantly told him that we would, "this ONE TIME give him an extra half hour."

After i had added the time to his card she asked me if i had noticed his name and i told her i hadn't, she said she wanted his name so that we could reset his card at the end of the night and i told her my former manager had told me we didn't need to do that anymore because the system automatically did it now. We then discussed general philosophies of computer time and whether we should add time or not~i think if someone has some REALLY good reason i will make a Special exception but since Everyone gets two hours per day that seems fair. She said she likes to never add Any time and she thought it was up to the individual library but there was some kind of formula that you could apply of percentage of computers in use versus time left versus some type of too-complicated-bullshit-to-keep-track of.

Anyway...last night, about an hour before we were to close, this same old man (who looks something like Picasso's The Old Guitarist except his beard was a little longer and more twisted, and he was dressed in raggedy jeans) comes up to the desk and asks the sub to add more time to his card. As he started to hand it across the desk i opened my mouth, and so began my ordeal:

"I'm sorry sir, but last night we added time to your card as a one time exception so we will not be able to add any extra time to your card tonight."

"What do you mean?"

"Last night, when you had us add extra time to your card my manager told you that this a Special One Time Exception; So i am not going to give you any extra time tonight."

"Why not?"

(It is at this point that i realize that this was going to be a tedious conversation at the very least, and that this man, who had surprised my manager by even speaking the night before was not quite as meek as he had seemed) "As i said sir, i am not going to give you extra time tonight because you have already had your two hours, which is what everybody has, and to make continual exceptions as a matter of course sets a bad precedent and is unfair to everyone else."

"So you're not going to give me extra time."

"No, i'm not."

"Why not?"

Is this a game we are playing, i'm asking myself at this point, because i'm a pretty good game player but i'm not really in the mood. "Well, as i've explained to you, that is a special exception that we have already made for you so i am unable to make it for you again."

"Even though they've always done it for me before?"

I'm not sure who they are, not me (who works every night but one), not my manager, but anyway, "Well, it shouldn't have been happening on a consistent basis and we will have to make sure that policy is understood by everyone but no i cannot do it tonight."

"So you are not going to add time to my card?"

"That is what i'm saying."

"Well what is my recourse."

At this point the sub pipes up, "There isn't one." (i think i kindof love her.)

"There is no recourse?"

"No, not really." i say, i am running through options in my head, i could, of course offer him my manager's name or some other higher-up which i might do with some other person, but i decide with this particular individual i am not going to make that particular offer unless he goes there.

"Well I was at a community board meeting and they said that you had the option to add time to the cards."

"Yes, as you know, we do have that option, because we have exercised it for you before as a special exception, but i will not exercise that option as an exception for you tonight," (with each spin of the record i am visualizing a little decision tree in my head~do you think this man is crazy~if yes choose option a~if no choose option b~if not sure choose option c)

"You can do it but you won't."

"I can't make that exception for you, you've already had your two hours on the computer."

"I got a letter saying that you have the option."

(suddenly the meeting that he attended has materialized into a letter) "The question isn't whether or not we have the option it is when we make the exception which is not now."

"I have a letter in my car saying you have the option to give me more time."

(Now the letter is in his car~maybe he should trade his car in for a computer~this record is beyond broken) I'm sorry sir, but i will not give you more internet time tonight."

"What do you have against me?"

"I have nothing against you, i just can't make an exception for you and give you additional computer time, you have already had your two hours and you are welcome to come back tomorrow for an additional two hours."

"That is like saying someone can only read a book for two hours."

"No, actually it is like saying they can only check out a book for three weeks, then if no one is on hold for it they may renew it three times then they must bring it back in, which is our policy."

"This is ridiculous, I'm working on a project, and i want more computer time. Why are you doing this to me?"

(This IS ridiculous~did i die and go to purgatory~is this my eternal torment~to be locked in a never-ending, never-escalating argument with this man?) "I'm sorry, but i can't give you more computer time tonight."

"But you said you could, and you won't"

"I explained to you how we couldn't make special exceptions and i don't want to continue go round and round on this issue."

"Did I disgust you in some way? Did I offend you? Why do you hate me?"

(other than involve me in this????) "I don't hate you sir, i'm just not going to increase your computer time."

"What have I ever done to you people? Why are you treating me like this?"

At this point the i am hearing the Soft Cell song Secret Life playing in my head, as he talks, and i go through my little decision tree, i'm silently singing:

I'll give you anything

Anything to shut you up

Why do you hate me so much

What have i ever done to you

But leave you

(well i get to that last part which doesn't quite fit~i just wish he would disappear, go pouf into thin air~and then the song repeats itself~as this whole argument seems to repeat itself...)

"Sir, this conversation has become fruitless (BECOME???), and i'm not going to continue having it."

"So, you're not going to give me more time on the computer?"

(has that not been established YET???) "Sir, i am not going to continue having this conversation."

"My god, why am I being treated this way, why do you hate me so?"

"I am not going to continue this conversation." though it seems to be going on and on (and i must note here that i no point in any of this have either of our voices been raised in the slightest). I figure that at some point he will give up and leave or he will blow up and i can tell him he must leave.

He makes some last paranoid-like statement then leaves with a final (rather quiet) "Fuck you" before he exits.

And then the sub said, "I'm so glad you were here." and i said, "Well if i wasn't i wasn't here you would have jus added time to his card and none of that would have happened."

I breathe a little, and go to call my manager to let her know of the fun i'm having in her absence.

I did notice that a)all the internet stations had filled up even though they had only been half full when he originally asked so it was perfectly reasonable that there can be an unexpected demand for them and b)my migraine was noticeably absent though if that's the cure, i don't know that i want it.

Now it may seem to some of you that i was unreasonably harsh but i was doing what my manager wanted and i was being pushed~anyone who knows me will tell you one of the few traits of my birthsign i truly retain is that Taurean stubbornness~i can dig in my heels better than pretty much anyone. It's a weakness, i know, but i own it. Here's a tip for everyone though, i've spent well over twenty years in customer service in all sorts of different venues (many of them even in management)and it's all in the approach~treat me like a person, explain the situation, and i'll probably work with you~if you push me or try to intimidate me you will get the horns every time; when i'm on the customer side of the counter i dig in my heels as well but there is a big old smile on my face and i always say please and thank you~it gets me where i want to go~like i said it's all in the approach~persistence, anger, and intimidation might get you what you want often but persistence, friendliness, and politeness get you what you want 99.99% of the time.

late to the party and i'm still dazed and confused...

Have you heard the one about the librarian who was charged with sexual harassment for recommending a book? (apparently everyone but me has, because he's already been found "not guilty" of those charges but now HE's suing for extreme emotional distress). This story was posted to one of my lists:

OSU-M librarian accused of sexual harassment hits faculty with counter-suit

By Jami Kinton News Journal (Mansfield, Ohio)

MANSFIELD -- A librarian at The Ohio State University-Mansfield accused of sexual harassment is suing at least four faculty members for defamation and intentional distress.
Scott Savage's suit lists Norman Jones, James Buckley, Hannibal Hamlin, Gary Kennedy and others yet to be identified as defendants.
The dispute stems from Savage's experiences, in February 2006, on the First Year Reading Experience Committee that chooses books for freshmen to read as part of their immersion into college life.
Savage initially suggested four titles from a conservative perspective, including David Kupelian's "The Marketing of Evil."
The next day, Jones e-mailed the committee to say Kupelian's book is "anti-gay and "homophobic tripe," the suit alleges.
Savage says that when he offered other reviews of the book, Jones sent private e-mails to library director Beth Burns, the campus dean and the committee that attacked Savage's professionalism and academic opinions.
Hamlin responded with an e-mail warning Savage the book would violate the campus's discrimination policy. Soon after, Buckley, who was not on the committee, sent an e-mail to all OSU-Mansfield faculty and staff members criticizing the book suggestion and saying he felt threatened and harassed by Savage.
According to the suit, Savage did not respond to these or future comments because "the discussion had degenerated from the professional task of producing a freshman reading list to an effort by faculty members to enforce their own liberal orthodoxy at OSU-M and to punish and humiliate Savage for his viewpoint."
At a March 13, 2006, assembly, Hamlin accused Savage of defending "hate literature" and told faculty the overriding issue raised by Savage was sexual harassment, the suit says.
The faculty unanimously approved a motion to forward a sexual harassment allegation to a university investigator. Three days later, Kennedy filed the complaint on behalf of Buckley and Jones with OSU-Mansfield's Human Resources Officer.
A month later, Savage said he received a letter from the OSU-M Human Resources investigator that stated he was not guilty of discrimination and harassment and charges never should have been filed.
Because of what he called "extreme emotional distress," Savage took a leave of absence from the campus July 5 and has not returned.
Defendants will have 30 days to respond or make a legal motion in response to the March 6 suit.
Savage is asking for $25,000 in compensatory damages, a minimum of $25,000 in punitive damages from each defendant, attorney fees and any other relief to which he may be entitled.
"I have represented people a number of times who have been nose-to-nose with the homosexual rights crowd," said Tom Condit, Savage's attorney. "The people who are homosexual activists are vicious. They are not honest and will take no prisoners.
"They want people to agree that homosexuality is a good thing or they will destroy you."
Condit said accusations and name-calling damage reputations, no matter the eventual outcome.
"No matter how long it takes, if this is settled immediately or if it takes 10 years, we are in this for the long run," Condit said.
Rodger Smith, assistant director of university relations at OSU-Mansfield, said Savage is due back on campus on July 2.

Now, from this, i got the impression that Savage had suggested The Marketing of Evil as one of several books to be read as part of a "Year of Reading" program and was then "attacked" by a group with an agenda, which would be bad and uncalled for to say the least, and also somewhat smacking of censorship, but then, as i was reading some of the comments, i thought to myself, there seems to be something more here, so i did a little further research, and i came up with this article:

Savage Injustice
By David French FrontPageMagazine.com April 24, 2006
Like many other universities, Ohio State University’s branch campus in Mansfield, Ohio has a “First Year Reading Experience” program, through which the school chooses a book for all incoming freshmen to read. The book is chosen by a committee that includes both faculty and library staff.
One of the members of this was Scott Savage, the head reference librarian at OSU Mansfield. Scott is a “Plain Christian,” a conservative Quaker who eschews most forms of modern technology, rides a horse and buggy, and endeavors to live a simple and quiet life. As a Quaker, Scott believes in nonviolence, and that evil and injustice should not be fought “with the weapons of this world.” His opponents on the committee made the mistake of assuming that because of this pacifism, Savage would be easily overwhelmed on the issue before them and that once his friendly persuasion had failed he would retreat into silence and acquiescence.
The other members of the committee initially recommended a variety of leftist works, a mixture of scholarly books and casual reads (such as titles by Jimmy Carter and Maria Shriver) for incoming freshmen. Scott objected to the one-sided nature of the list and suggested a less overtly political book, Freakonomics by Steven Levitt and Stephen Dubner. After this suggestion was rebuffed, he suggested four more books, all reflecting mainstream conservative opinions: David Horowitz’s The Professors, It Takes a Family by Rick Santorum, Eurabia: The Euro-Arab Axis by Baat Ye’or, and The Marketing of Evil by David Kupelian.
The reaction to these suggestions was swift – and outrageous. The Marketing of Evil particularly angered some of the professors because it advances a traditional Judeo-Christian view of sexual morality. One professor, J.F. Buckley, responded to Scott’s suggestion with a public allegation (through an e-mail to the OSU Mansfield faculty and staff) of harassment:

As a gay man I have long ago realized that the world is full of homophobic, hate-mongers who, of course, say that they are not. So, I am not shocked, only deeply saddened—and THREATENED—that such mindless folks are on this great campus. I am ending now, with the hope that I have seriously challenged you Scott, and anyone who “thinks” as you purport to do. You have made me fearful and uneasy being a gay man on this campus. I am, in fact, notifying the OSU-M campus, and Ohio State University in general, that I no longer feel safe doing my job. I am being harassed.

In other words, Scott Savage’s very existence on campus—the way he thought and viewed the world-- made Professor Buckley fearful at work. Given the absurdity of that allegation, one might think that others on the committee would have introduced a note of sanity to the discussion. But this was not the case. In fact, the other professors immediately jumped to the support of Professor Buckley, and fellow faculty member Dr. Norman Jones recommended that the matter be brought before the school’s faculty association.
On March 13, 2006, after much discussion, the faculty association of OSU Mansfield voted without dissent to forward the issue of Scott Savage’s incorrect thinking to a “sexual harassment investigator of the university.” Whether out of conviction or cowardice, not one faculty member stood up to defend obviously protected speech. Not one faculty member stood up to defend academic freedom. Not one faculty member voted to stop a slanderous and false allegation. Not one faculty member voted against a motion to punish a librarian for suggesting a book.
At the University of Colorado, 199 professors signed a public petition to ask the Board of Regents to stop all investigations of Ward Churchill, including a plagiarism investigation that was unrelated to Churchill’s offensive (though certainly constitutionally protected) speech. To those professors, free speech was so important that it justified protecting a controversial professor even from plagiarism allegations. At Ohio State Mansfield, though, the faculty slandered a librarian for exercising the same academic freedom rights as other members of his committee.
So, in the name of academic freedom, leftists like Colorado’s Churchill must be protected – even from actual legal violations (like plagiarism) – when they celebrate the September 11 death of American fathers, mothers, sons, and daughters. Yet in the name of that same academic freedom, these same leftists can punish conservatives merely for suggesting books that offer a traditional Judeo-Christian perspective on sexual morality.
This episode in the heartland of red state America shows yet again how deeply the culture of Leftism has penetrated the daily workings of our universities.
David French is the Director of the Alliance Defense Fund’s Center for Academic Freedom

It seems we've stepped upon the Christian sensibilities of this great nation of ours (it really makes me glad that i'm not on THAT committee~although sometimes i feel like i have "opponents" on the committees i AM on i don't think they are officially called that...) I'm still thinking there is more than meets the eye to this story, but here's what i'm thinking: these are book suggestions for ONE book that the freshman are supposed to read during their first year (oh those poor, poor students how will they ever suffer through?) that puts quite a different spin on things than if you are suggesting a LIST of titles (it is quite interesting that our system just went through its own "One Book" fiasco). It seems that after Freakonomics was rejected (quite unfortunately in my opinion, as that would have made a good, quick, discussable and hopefully, less controversial read~perhaps everyone is regretting that decision now) maybe Mr. Savage felt like pushing his own agenda just a tad? The problem with a single book program is that you are promoting it as a book that Every (in this case) Freshman should read. You really don't want to promote (or offend) the views of either the majority or the minority of a certain population base (and just to insert a quick question here~why are conservative opinions called mainstream conservative while liberal views are always just leftist? and while we're at, it why are all of Savage's titles named and the other titles are just a variety of leftist works?) Some people just don't get it and sometimes that person is me, but it seems like things got a bit out of control here. Once you get emotionally involved it's a bit too difficult to see things rationally, like i said i feel like i'm still missing something but i'm not sure what it is (if i was then i wouldn't be missing it, right?)

some things that make you say FUCK!

i would ask you to pardon my French, but that really isn’t French now is it? and asking you to pardon it would imply that i inadvertently or unwittingly or unintentionally or in some other un*way used a word when i so very deliberately typed it (and, lets face it, there is the edit function, with which, I can always delete) so lets not live with any pretense here:

• first of all, the very inspiration of this post, having to do with the frustration of editing~the fact that my computer has this tendency to crash on me with no warning… it overheats, and… BOOM (well, with no sound, really~just a black screen, and all my work is lost, that is if I haven’t been saving like all good little girls (and everyone else should be). But, that’s not the worst part, the worst part is, that i have to wait to start the damn thing up again (for it to cool off) and if i was in the middle of writing, and pursuing a particularly interesting train of thought… well p*o*o*f

• of course, this is my one and only computer, it is out of its warranty period and i am poor

• it is 12:31 a.m. on Christmas Eve morn and i still have to stock my cupboard~i have no groceries, staples, or anything~not to mention Christmas presents~at least the family is out of town

• i live with three cats and not a single one of them will lift a paw to do the laundry or do any other of the household chores (and believe it or not it's not just me that thinks they should be pitching in~when i was asking my boss for some time-off for housework the other day he asked "what about those cats of yours?) that are PILING UP and it isn't like they haven't noticed~they delicately step over the piles and shoot me accusatory, demanding looks

• the neurologist limits me to ten lortabs per month and sometimes the permanent chronic daily headache combined with the current migraine is so out-of-hand/skull and it might be helped with a combination of narcotic with a touch of sleeping medication but i am not so sure and there is no way that i am going to waste one whole one and a half pill just to find out so i will just suffer through...

• not that lortab really helps to begin with~i REALLY, REALLY want to find a solution for dealing with this chronic DAILY pain (but whining gets you nowhere~and i can only indulge in it for a very short time)



• the health insurance company somehow think that they know better than the actual migraine sufferer (and their doctors) that you need (i actually don't know what the limit is) but for some reason every time i try to get my what my co-payment, mind you, $100 prescription of imitrex pills filled i have to have my neurologist fill out some kind of special dispensation

• speaking of insurance companies, my car insurance notifies my car loan company when i am a few days late making my car insurance payment so the stupid people decide they need to append the loan to their own insurance policy even though my insurance HASN'T lapsed, but somehow they never get notification of THAT, and it is nearly impossible to find the right hoops to jump through to get everything straightened out

• there are so many more stupid people in the world than intelligent people~and they all seem to be so vocal about it

• Money does not seem to grow on trees, even though junk mail seems to just seep in through the walls and pile up everywhere (and so much of it seem to be credit card offers which is JUST what i need~NOT!!!