Thursday, March 15, 2007

more words to offend

so i haven't yet mentioned the whole controversy raging over That Book and That Word (mostly because a) i'm not a youth services librarian; or b) an offended parent/tax-payer/parent/ constituent/ whatever; c) i think the whole thing is rather silly; and d) the more i read the more i want to roll my eyes and say "Wake me when it's over" or, conversely "Isn't it over yet?"
But i think the whole brouhaha may be dying down (i hope, i pray) but if you haven't read the book perhaps you should (it might even go on my pile) and in the meantime i offer these two bits of humor:
INAPPROPRIATE by Paul Rudnick March 12, 2007
A children’s book that included the word “scrotum” was recently the subject of great controversy in school libraries nationwide. A Google search has discovered several more questionable titles and excerpts from other works intended for readers twelve and under.
“The Pretty Little Bunny”
Melissa, the pretty little bunny, woke up one morning in May and said, “I think I’ll hop-hop-hop over to the carrot patch. I’m so pretty that all of the carrots will jump right out of the ground to see me.”
“You are very pretty,” said Melissa’s Bunny Mommy. “But your sister is pretty, too, and she doesn’t spend all of her time looking at herself in the mirror.”
“But is she as pretty as me?” asked Melissa. “Just look at my vagina.”
“The Clattery Caboose”
Carl the Caboose had worked for the railroad for a long time. He loved it when little children ran alongside the tracks and waved to him. But Carl was getting older. His bright-red paint was peeling, his wheels were getting squeaky, and don’t even ask about his prostate.
“Where’s Waldo’s Hand?”
“The Lonely Little Moonbeam”
The lonely little moonbeam would sleep all day, and then wake up and shine all night long, to guide people on their way. But he was lonely, because people never looked up and smiled at him. They were too busy performing fellatio.
“Are You There God? It’s Me, Margaret, and I Need It Bad”
“Cornelius Thimbletuck and the Wizard of Trewe”

Every night, Cornelius would pray that his parents would rescue him from the Smudgebury Orphanatorium, and every morning he’d awaken on his hard, wooden cot. And so before eating his meagre ration of watery gruel he would masturbate until his palm bled.
“Oh, the People You’ll Do”
“The Lion Princess”
Tarandiria, the beautiful lion princess, was strolling through the tall grass one day with her mother, Queen Malafala.
Tarandiria said, “Mother lioness, whenever I see that handsome leopard over there I get a strange, tingling feeling.”
“Where do you get this feeling, my child?” asked the Queen.
Tarandiria told her, “In my hyena.”
“Betsy Barstow, Colonial Girl”
One fine morning, as Betsy went to the village well in the Olde Massachusetts Baye colony, she ran into her best friend, feisty Katey Karmody.
“Oh, Katey,” said Betsy, “I have such news! My father and my brothers are joining up with the militia to fight the British, so that we may all be free!”
“Oh, Betsy, that is news!” cried Katey. “My nipples are like muskets!”
“The Big Floppy Penis”
“The Little Mermaid at Sea”

As Ariel cavorted through the waves and foam, she thought to herself, How I love the sea and all its friendly creatures. How I love capering and leaping from cove to lagoon. How I love to be at one with the grand undersea kingdom, but I think I have crabs.
“A Modern Child’s Garden of Verses”
Smart Susie O’Malley just loved her computer,
She didn’t need pencils or books or a tutor.
Chad had a laptop, a Mac, and a modem,
He Web-cammed smart Susie a shot of his scrodem

and then, of course, there is always:

Legion of Decency
Index Liberis Prohibitorum - Index of Forbidden Books for Children
The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables
Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
Daddy Drinks Because You Cry
Dad's New Wife Robert
Eggs, Toilet Paper, and Your School
Fun Four-letter Words to Know and Share
The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking
The Little Sissy Who Snitched
The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator
The Man in the Moon Is Actually Satan
Places Where Mommy and Daddy Hide Neat Things
Pop! Goes The Hamster...And Other Great Microwave Games
The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy
Some Kittens Can Fly
Strangers Have the Best Candy
Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will
Whining, Kicking, and Crying to Get Your Way
Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?
You Were an Accident
Your Nightmares Are Real
You're Different, and That's Bad

(source: Steven Olderr, Webmaster, Anglican Library Society)

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